Stages of Grief After Diagnosis
It is okay and valid to be angry, sad, or sorrowful when coming to terms with your diagnosis. This is quite common. You may, even, not feel those emotions at first, or other strong emotions may come with it, it is also valid to predominantly feel relieved or validated by the experience.
The stages of grief don't have to be linear. You may experience many of the stages multiple times as you unpack your memories and uncover new perspectives on them on the way to acceptance and healing.
Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance
Below are some examples of what the grieving process might look like in this situation, how it might fit into this model, and guidance to help face some of these challenges.
The grief we feel often stems from wondering about how things could have been different had we known sooner.
People in your life that let your symptoms go unnoticed.
The things you feel you could have achieved.
Hardships faced from unhealthy coping that may have been avoided.
Stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining
Remember that ADHD and Autism are relatively new and have been constantly changing over the course of ours and our parents and teachers lifetimes. Remember that it is never too late to start moving forward and pursuing the things you want to accomplish. And remember that if you've coped in unhealthy ways in the past, you can do your best to recognize the patterns and have learned so much that you can apply to use healthy strategies now.
It can also be related to secondary effects like burnout and skill regression.
Stages: Denial, Bargaining
Remember that many of the things you may have been able to do before, but can't now, were part of a mask that was meant to meet standards that were not realistic for you or for you without support.
Identity can also be a component in the grieving process.
"Is this aspect of my personality because of my ADHD / Autism?"
"Did I struggle to know what I really liked and only identified with things because people I wanted to be close to liked them?"
Stages: Bargaining, Testing
Aspects of yourself that may have caused struggle are part of you and you deserved and still deserve support for them.
Test if you truly enjoy something by asking if you'd still do it by yourself or if it depended on who you were doing it with.
Ableism, either from outside or in, also plays a significant role.
People who should have been supporting us, who instead shamed us in our formative years and beyond.
Internalizing that shame, and projecting it onto the expectations that others have for us.
Stages: Denial, Bargaining
Don't hold yourself or others to unrealistic and unfair expectations.
Give yourself grace. And give yourself and others opportunities to learn and grow.
Contributors: Kaitlyn, Kathaniel, Nik