Navigating New Relationships
When to disclose that you're Autistic/ADHD and the nuances of masking
A huge part of self advocating for our AuDHD needs is identifying who is a safe person to be our most authentic, unmasked self around. Whether you are late diagnosed or were early diagnosed and just now getting the support you’ve always deserved, disclosing our Autistic/ADHD neurotype to others can be challenging!
Most of us developed our masks to survive or fit in with others in order to avoid negative attention or consequences. Authentic relationships (whether romantic or not) thrive best when each person feels safe being themselves.
Comfortability with AuDHD disclosure is a spectrum closely related to internalized ableism. One may not feel safe to disclose at all or wish to slowly disclose over time as trust and connection builds. This can range from directly telling a new person “Hi I’m [name] and I’m Autistic/ADHD” or may look like sharing little bits of information on your traits like, “I struggle with impulse control!” “I am sound sensitive” “sometimes I struggle with social cues, whoops!”
How do we know who may be a “safe” person?
Check in with yourself when you are around them! Do you find it easier to unmask when around them without fear of judgment? This includes stimming freely, talking how you naturally do, etc.
Unsure of what you are feeling emotionally? Let’s discuss bodily feelings of anxiety or feeling unsafe: racing heart, nauseous, exhausted/depleted after interactions with them
The individual shows curiosity and empathy towards the sharing of your experiences (even without full disclosure)
Consider how this individual talks about others in your presence. Do you see them talking poorly of others often or gossiping? This can be indicative of how they may treat you as well.
Many members of our community find it’s easier to just disclose their diagnoses up front with new friends or relationships. This is a quick way to determine if a new interest shows signs of being a potentially “safe” person to continue a relationship with OR if they show signs of discrimination and make you feel the need to mask.
Remember:
Most insensitive and hurtful remarks made by others are typically out of ignorance of neurodiversity rather than direct malice. Many individuals require education on the nuanced experiences we have as Autistic or ADHD individuals. But also remind yourself that it is not always up to you to hold the burden to educate everyone you meet regarding neurodivergence.
Books recommended:
Looking After Your Autistic Self: A Personalised Self-Care Approach to Managing Your Sensory and Emotional Well-Being by Niamh Garvey
Contributors: Kaitlyn, Kathaniel, Nik