How to Not Take Criticism Personally
We often are put into situations where we may receive unwanted and unsolicited criticism. While we should work to establish healthy boundaries surrounding this, we must also work on receiving and processing communication from others in a way that does not assume people's intent, that does not internalize any perceived negativity, and recognizes our own past trauma and biases.
Learn to recognize good and bad criticism. If you recognize something as bad criticism, then you can more easily let it go rather than taking it personally and internalizing it.
Ask yourself, is what they are saying:
Specific – Not just a general observation, or just someone sharing icky feelings about something you are doing.
Actionable – Is this giving you or leading you to a clear and reasonable solution to what the perceived issue is?
Measurable – Is this something that person or you can realistically gauge? Or is it vague and dependent on the situation?
Criticism doesn't have to be a bad thing. We often need and can benefit from feedback. If something does meet the criteria we lay out for good criticism, but it still hurts to hear, we may have to consider whether it is something we have a hard time hearing for other reasons. Consider whether you are looking at it objectively.
Is it poking at a wound?
Seek out other perspectives from people you know and trust. Ask if they have noticed similar tendencies in you.
Reflect on yourself. Is there anything to this? is there something else that could have affected or caused this instead of what this person is saying?
Even if a criticism is valid, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have done something wrong, and it doesn't mean that we have to fully adopt one person's opinion of us.
When we decide that we may want to make changes due to feedback; it is important to give ourselves grace, time to adjust, and room to make mistakes.
We should also take into account the relationship we have with the person giving criticism. If someone is close to you and cares about you, even if the criticism hurts, try to remain hopeful that it is meant to help. This situation is also where making the effort to set healthy boundaries can be the most beneficial.
Conversely, if someone is not close to you, it is often best to try to dismiss the criticism rather than internalizing it – if they aren't close to you they aren't likely to know all the circumstances of your situation. Don’t spend your time trying to convince people that you are worthy of their kindness, support, or care.
If you frequently need to be around people that criticize as a habit and don't respect boundaries, planned ignoring can be a valid technique.
Still pay attention to the situation you are in, but detach yourself or don't invest in the outcomes.
Know what is and isn't your responsibility.
If this is a work situation, just think "Keep it professional." Also remind yourself that, sadly, managers and companies have an agenda that aligns with making them the most profit, not with providing you the best work environment, so while it does affect you personally, it can help to also view it as a symptom of this arrangement.
Most importantly, be yourself. Look for the people that are kind to you without telling you to do anything differently.
Books Recommended:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Contributors: Kaitlyn, Kathaniel, Nik