High Reactivity in Self and Others
Miscommunications (no matter the neurotype!) can occur when one or both people in a conversation are quick to react based on raw emotions, or are functioning during emotional dysregulation.
Being highly reactive means we tend to respond based on initial emotions or impulsively to what someone has said or done. Reactivity is typically reflective of an individual's inner self esteem, trauma responses, or misunderstandings.
When communicating with someone else that appears highly reactive…
We may feel the urge to over explain our intentions - in some situations this can be seen as patronizing or invalidating to another’s emotions. First, ask how the other received what you have said and why it triggered emotion for them.
Maintain a calm, slow voice when speaking. If the other person becomes reactive, we do not want to join them in this elevated reactive state - co-regulation is key.
Request a break from the conversation or space to allow for emotions to calm down - but just be sure to address the concerns at a later time.
Keep in mind that the impact of how something was taken usually trumps intent. It is important to validate the impact initially, then discuss the intent of what was said.
Remind yourself that it is not our responsibility to regulate another’s emotions or pick and choose the right wording to prevent someone from being triggered.
When someone in your life is constantly highly reactive and is not taking accountability in their part of miscommunications, we may want to consider if this individual is important to keep in our lives at all. Some people may use their own reactions in ways to manipulate others or cross boundaries.
Remember: A boundary is the set rules that we are willing to abide by for our mental health. A boundary is not telling the other person what to do or not to do. It’s saying “If there continues to be yelling, I’m going to need to leave the room”.
When you are highly reactive or feel dysregulated by what someone else has said…
Check in with yourself - what bodily signals do you have? Is your heart racing, breathing heavy, etc? Make note of physical signs of distress so that you can build self awareness of emotional dysregulation ahead of time
Utilize self soothing techniques and fidget toys for stimming as this may naturally help regulate AuDHDers
Communicate when recognizing your own dysregulation and self advocate for your need to take some time before continuing the conversation. If the other attempts to continue the conversation regardless, hold true to that boundary and walk away.
If we are constantly having reactions to what others say, consider getting support to work on what may be causing those reactions (i.e. unprocessed trauma, unsupported sensory needs, etc)
Don’t attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. Most people are not truly mean and may just be unaware of how words may impact us based on our specific triggers from life experiences.
Sometimes AuDHDers may “yell” or have raised tone that others can interpret as being upset. Rather than becoming dysregulated because you are accused of being angry, try to use verbal scripts instead:
What about what I said made you feel like I was angry, sad, etc?
I am very excited about our discussion right now, I am not trying to yell.
Some of us may shut down and be unable to verbally speak during times of dysregulation or when highly reactive. It is especially important for us to respect our limitations in those moments and be proactive with an alternative plan for communicating as needed. Alternative means of communicating can be:
Using gestures or modified sign that both individuals are familiar with
Utilizing text or other virtual means of communication
Having a card that reads “I am unable to speak at this time and need to remove myself from this situation until I am regulated”
Contributors: Kaitlyn, Kathaniel, Nik