Accepting Limitations Despite Our Desire to Act
Many Autistic/ADHDers may struggle with both setting strong internal and external boundaries.
Internal boundaries involve identifying personal needs and limitations, as well as learning to regulate or separate our emotions from thoughts.
External boundaries involve expectations of the outside world, like communicating those needs with others or declining interactions with those that do not align with your personal needs.
Difficulties with these boundaries often occur due to:
People pleasing tendencies and anxiety
Fear of rejection or conflict
No observation of boundary setting seen during childhood
Decision making challenges or impulsivity
Desire for control
Internalized ableism
How do we begin to identify our limitations via internal boundaries and get more confident with setting external boundaries?
Consider processing through emotions attached to thoughts regarding self-worth with a mental health professional. Many of the above challenges listed are deeply rooted within trauma during our childhood, when we may have come up with unhealthy means of coping in order to survive.
Learn and practice saying “no”. Ultimately, you are the only person that knows your needs and limitations best. No is a complete sentence.You are not required to provide additional explanation or reasoning to why you may decline a task, social event, etc. If the other person becomes upset, it is their responsibility to regulate their own emotions (i.e. internal boundaries).
Check in with your current self. What are your specific emotional, sensory, and/or executive functioning needs required to functionally thrive? Determine and prioritize your specific needs at this time and accept additional commitments only after these are able to be met first.
It is okay to admit to limitations after saying “yes”! As we learn our specific needs and work through what our specific internal and external boundaries are, we may still make the mistake of “taking on too much and regretting it later”. Be patient and self compassionate. Focus on releasing the attached thoughts/emotions that may be keeping you from letting something go and releasing yourself from the commitment. If you are able to identify stress arising, communicate with others if you’d like and see what changes can be done, if any. This is NOT giving up.
Books recommended:
Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask! By Dr. Megan Anna Neff
Resources mentioned:
Interactive Self Care Flow Guide: https://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play/index.html
Spoon Theory For Autism and ADHD: The Neurodivergent Spoon Drawer: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/the-neurodivergent-spoon-drawer-spoon-theory-for-adhders-and-autists
Contributors: Kaitlyn, Kathaniel, Nik